CNNNN and Foxx to hire a hitman for Pope

Monday 25th – For the past two weeks the leaders of CNNNN and Foxx have been putting together a plan to assasinate the Pope. The discovery was made by our well-known investigative journalist, Harry Twohooter, while having a beer in the no-name bar.

He was just sitting in the bar with no name, enjoying his 4-EURO-beer, staring at the breasts of a beautiful big-boobed blond man, when he heard two men talking at a table nearby. He recognized the guys and identified the reeealy drunk leaders of CNNNN and Foxx – Marcia CrazyCool and Peter Lowlife. As we all know, CNNNN and Foxx are the world’s biggest news channels, and are even watched by people in Iraq. However, we don’t YET know what they were talking about. But soon you will all know, because Harry was ready to share his exclusive data with me.

Marcia CrazyCool and Peter Lowlife were both pretty drunk and half naked when they tried to do it on the table...or emm, sorry, I digress. I shouldn’t give my imagination and my sick friend (the second me) a chance. But they really were drunk and they were talking about some sort of conspiracy and the Pope. Harry didn’t get it but as he is an investigative journalist, and he didn’t have anything better to do one way or another, he decided to get a little closer to hear better what they were saying. So he crawled under their table, taking a couple of beers with him just in case it was a long evening, and there he sat. Later that evening the waiter found a large pool of vomit under the table, but that’s already another story.

Assasination of Pope? Que? Why?

CrazyCool was just about to call the hitman when Lowlife stopped him to discuss the issue further, just to make sure they were doing the right thing. After all, if you didn’t already know, they have done it once before.

Do you remember the time when Pope Paul VI died and there was a big mess about it? And then the new Pope John Paul I was elected? The media was full of stories about the death, about the election, about the pope, about the pope, about the pope, about the weather, about the pope. And then one month later Pope John Paul I died. It's not publicly known information, but he was murdered by a journalist! Peter Lowlife was a lot younger back then, but he is responsible for the death of John Paul I. It was at a time when they couldn't babble about the Pope anymore as there was nothing new to say about him. Unfortunately, they didn't have anything else to talk about either. Consequently, they didn't have anything to fill the airtime with. But time costs money and they were on their way to banckruptcy. Lowlife was a junior journalist at the time, whose main responsibility at Foxx was to serve coffee and sometimes write articles (that never got published btw). One day his boss came to him and said, "Hey, Lowlife, want to move up the career ladder? Do you? " Of course he wanted it. But to achieve it, he had to kill the Pope. Just for the simple reason that Foxx needed to talk about something, they needed content, and they knew that if the Pope was killed, they could fill airtime for at least another month or more. Lowlife accepted the mission and did what he was required to do.

Now he's the boss of Foxx, so it really did pay off for him. They never talked about it again. However, now it's time for the dejavu. Foxx is again on its way to the bottom. And as it turns out, it's the same for CNNNN. A month or two ago they had enough to talk about, lots of news. The Pope was almost dead - they talked about it day after day for months. The Pope died - again they had lots of *newsworthy* content. The cardinals were called to elect the new Pope. Who might it be? Black or white? Gay, lesbian or Hitler jugend? They had their mouth full of news every damn day. And then the new Pope was elected, Benedictus VI. Again there was more than enough data to cover 48 hours every day. But during the few past days they have noticed that now the Pope has been elected, they don't have much to talk about anymore. Nothing interesting anyway. But a news channel can't live without news. And if the media doesn't have any news, they need to produce the news themselves.

Long story short, Lowlife and CoolCrazy were finally ready to call the hitman, a junior journalist from CNNNN who wanted to climb up the career ladder. When Lowlife told the journalist (Sikk Muttaf) what he expected him to do, the journalist was rather surprised. He said sure, he could do it, but he didn't see a reason for it. "I'm not an optimist, but Peter, look, the guy is 79 years old! How long do you think we'll have to wait? I'm sure he'll drop dead within a month or so!" However, neither Lowlife nor CoolCrazy agreed with him. They didn't want to take any chances.

Bang, the Pope's dead, killed by a journalist.

This was a story by Harry Twohooter, fake as usual.

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