Confessions of an Ad-man XII: Consumers in Search of Service

We all should have been suspicious when businesses started calling us consumers instead of customers. Tom Peters once said consumers are statistics, customers are people. So now we’re all consumers.

Customer service training is a growth industry. Believe me I know because I’ve done a lot of it. The problem is that as soon as the seminar is over, people stop thinking about customers and go back to dealing with consumers.

Check this out. I swear it’s an actual conversation. The names have been changed. As we join our hero, me, I’m calling my friendly neighborhood print shop to get some, guess what, printing done.

Brrring

“Good morning. Fibro-blastoma Printing, Marjorie speaking, how may I direct your call?”

“zzzzzzzzzz uh . . . oh . . sorry. Is it my turn to talk already? Let me speak to Roger?”

“Do you mean Roger Muckfuster?”

“Do you have any other Rogers working there?”

“No we don’t, sir.”

“Then how about I speak to Roger?”

“And whom shall I say is calling?”

“John Hancock.”

“Will he know what it’s about, Mr. Hancock.”

“Well not right away, but I promise you on my Grandmother’s grave that the moment you connect me with him, after we say ‘hello’ of course, I will tell him what it’s about.”

“And what is the name of your Company, Mr. Hancock?”

“PUT ME THROUGH TO ROGER, I HAVE AN ORDER FOR HIM!!!!”

“Just a moment please, and sir?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no need to raise your voice.”

I then got to listen to approximately one and one half minutes of weather channel music followed by . . .

“Yyello. RRRoger speaking.”

“Hi Roger, Dave Foreman calling, I have a four color 4 page flyer to do for Independent Foods. 150,000 copies and I need it in about four days.

“And how will the billing be handled?”

“Uh, I was thinking, maybe AFTER the job was done, I’d like you to bill Independent direct?”

“Does Independent Foods have an account with us?”

“I don’t know. If they don’t have an account with you, I’m sure it keeps them awake nights. They only have eight supermarkets and do 70 million a year in business.”

“Well, I’m going to fax you a credit application.”

“Fine, and Roger . . . ”

“YYYYYess Dave.”

“Sometime, this millennium, do you think you could find time to answer my original question? Can you print this for me?”

“That depends. When do you need it?”

[BB]

To make a long story short, they printed the flyer. Roger was a decent guy. He just couldn’t get the hang of not making customers feel like second class citizens.

I can hear you saying, “Yes, but most people don’t have bunches of flyers printed so how is that all relevant, except to people in advertising?” Okay, fair comment. Let’s talk retail. A couple of weeks ago, my neighborhood supermarket had chicken breasts on sale. Here’s the conversation:

“Uh, excuse me?”

“Yes sir, how can I help you?”

“Well last time I bought these chicken breasts on sale, when I opened the box, they were all stuck together in a solid lump. It says on the box, ‘individually frozen’.”

“No problem sir.”

“No problem?”

“Just throw them on the basement floor.”

“Oh, I see. Just take these individually frozen, boneless, skinless, lightly seasoned chicken breasts and throw them on my basement floor?”

“Yes sir. Works every time.”

“Well, you see, instead of throwing them on the floor, I’d like to be able to reach into the box and pull out a couple, or if my son is going to be home for dinner, maybe seven or eight. But aside from that, doesn’t the fact that they have become a solid lump when they were individually frozen, doesn’t that mean that they have thawed out and then been frozen again? I’ve heard nasty rumors to the effect that you can get food poisoning from chicken that has been thawed and refrozen, depending on how long it was thawed and how old it is now.”

“We have no control over that. It happens in the warehouse.”

“Oh, good. Then I guess it’s okay. Don’t want to upset the warehouse staff by forcing them to keep the frozen food frozen. Say, would you mind opening the box and just checking to see that they aren’t one solid lump?” (I know better than to open the box myself. The last time I was thrown against the wall and strip-searched by the retired policeman who looks after store security.)

“Be glad to sir.” She then opened the box, pulled out several and showed them to me, holding them under my nose, in her ungloved hands and said. “See? No problem.”

I left, gratified, knowing that I wouldn’t have to throw them on the basement floor. I did wash them in a lot of hot water though.

The ad agency came up with the words, “Individually frozen, boneless, skinless, lightly seasoned chicken breasts.” Probably cost the supermarket chain several thou. The ten dollar an hour freezer lady was telling people to throw them on the floor.

“When Faith Popcorn, in her book, “The Popcorn Report” talked about militant consumerism, I thought she was over-reacting.

Sorry Faith.

Politics Saving the Tigers from extinction It was a hurriedly organized citizen’s meeting at Guwahati Press Club, where serious concerns were expressed at the increasing trend of poaching and killing of wildlife in various parts of Assam. more Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il 20.Dec 2011 Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more ferti...read Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination 26.Aug 2011 Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT 10.Mar 2011 ...read Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ! 10.Mar 2011 Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!) THE ASSANGE CASE. CIA INTERFERED WITH SWEDISH LEGAL PROCESSES EXTREME RIGHT POLITICS A DANGER TO EUROPEAN UNITY Opinion The EIP factor - what you should learn from it When we grow older, or get older for the sake of the argument, we tend to start seeing the world only from one side. We tend to believe, no, not believe but know, how things are done. If you are smart, you understand that it shouldn't be that way, you understand this is wrong. more The fight against cyber-censorship 26.Apr 2012 The fight against cybercensorship is more essential than ever. By creating blog...read ET TU, ELAD? or ISRAELIS THINK NETANYAHU IS ON THEIR SIDE 27.Feb 2012 Elad Pressman, to my mind, is Israel's leading deep investigative journalist. T...read World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case) 22.Jan 2012 EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the go...read The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem 5.Mar 2011 So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read

Travel Teens think life's a box of chocolate, Birdgestone begs to differ 26.Apr 2012 Well, not exactly, but Bridgestone has brought some additional attention to a t...read more Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN 13.Sep 2010 TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL. 5.Jun 2010 Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES 16.Apr 2010 Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA. 5.Apr 2010 Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read Sport No Payoff From the Playoffs $16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire Stupid Athlete Tricks Technology Pack 'n Go Publishing Taxi Of Tomorrow: New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg goes with Nissan Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show Cheers Jesus' Answering Machine Brown Couch or twelve midgets in the town square How To Be Happy Drugged Out Saturday Nights Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?