And The Winner Is...

While writing I'd Like to ThankNobody for this weeks edition I began thinking about the awards I'd received over the years. I still have my Outstanding Senior Choir Member trophy from 1988. Buried in my closet sits a medal from my Cub Scout days. Im sure I have every prize ever bestowed upon me. It made me think about a GREAT career choice out there, a job where you know your work makes a difference - TROPHY MAKER!

That's right. Trophy maker. There has to be a job like that. Trophies don't just magically appear from the sky. SOMEBODY has to make them. If you want a job where youll know beyond any shadow of a doubt that your efforts will be appreciated, THIS is the job for you. Your hard work will be proudly displayed for the world to see. The fruit of your labor will be the want and desire of all mankind.

Everyone wants to get a trophy. Trophies are everywhere and we WANT them.

Sittin' Pretty and Shining Away! High schools build huge cases to display their trophies. Olympic competitions are held and awards gold, silver and bronze medals. There was a 'Brady Bunch' episode dedicated to the quest for a trophy. Who can forget young Bobby's teary-eyed determination as he said, "I've just GOTTA get a trophy. I've just gotta!?

Nearly every profession in the known universe honors their own with the presentation of a trophy of one kind or another. Writers receive Pulitzer Prizes. Teachers win Golden Apple Awards. Heroes and villains alike can win Time Magazines Man of the Year Award.

The completion of every sports season ends with a trophy presentation. Tennis players kiss theirs. Hockey players hoist the Stanley Cup high above their heads. Pro golfers get a trophy AND a snazzy green jacket. I wonder if the folks at Century 21 have a ceremony where they give out their golden coats?

Broadway has the Tonys. Hollywood has the Oscars. Television has the Emmys. Even the adult film industry hands out statues at the Adult Video News Awards. I think those are called the Hornys. I hear there's stiff competition for those. Thank YOU! Tip your wait staff.

If national trophies are not within your reach, there's a bevy of regional and local trophies being offered. Employees of the Month are commemorated on a plaque. Cub Scouts earn merit badges. There's not a league bowler on the planet that doesn't want at least one of those golden bowlers standing high atop a fake marble slab.
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PEOPLE WANT TROPHIES. It's just how we are. Trophies are a big part of our lives. We like to get them and there is no lack of trophy-worthy events out there so, as a trophy maker you have job security and worldwide appreciation. You may have a recession-proof profession.

They'll give away a trophy for just about anything. You can buy gag trophies that say "Old Fart" or "Over the Hill". Even these insulting and degrading awards will stay on peoples desks with great pride. Hell, Bobby Brady received a trophy and he didn't win crap! He received an award for FAILING at everything. There's probably a trophy for the trophy makers. I am sure the guy who came up with the golfer in mid-swing builds a steady client base using the simple phrase, "Golf swing? That was mine."

You probably dont have to be a good trophy maker to be successful. I've seen a lot of trophies that had slight imperfections on them and not a one was ever seen in a trash can. People will display their little token of recognition forever. The ugly or embarrassing ones will not be discarded. They just move to the attic or garage. You simply don't throw out a trophy and you dont give it away to anyone else when you worked so hard to earn it.

I Still Have the McHenry Co. Talent Contest RibbonThere are medals, both on ribbons and with a pin backing. There are certificates, patches and hats to commemorate great feats. You can receive citations, accommodations, and honorariums from your Mayor, your boss - anyone. Lets examine non-traditional trophies.

Ever see a big pink car driving down the street? Odds are, that car is the award given to a great Mary Kay Cosmetics salesperson. Hate your job yet? Wish you hadn't stayed there for the last 15 years? Well tough it out for another 5 pal, because if you do you'll get a gold watch for your efforts.

Competition is everywhere, not just in organized arenas and stadiums. In high school, members of the band compete for the prestige of being "first chair". Future thespians want the lead role in the play. Young girls compete to become cheerleaders, the awards coming in the forms of pompons, pleated skirts & popularity.

Some women offer their feminine wiles as a prize if their husband remembers to put the toilet seat down or do the dishes. Of course no relationship trophy can compare to the Granddaddy of 'em All, the engagement ring.

You may feel that this is no trophy but it does fit certain criteria. It's metal & shiny, it is worn proudly and displayed for everyone to see. Women feel they worked hard to get it and they EARNED it. Women believe they had to compete with many others to get the ring of gold. If the engagement ends, they dont give it back, J-Lo not withstanding.
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The engagement ring is deeply seated in tradition. Strengthening the power behind the engagement ring is the promise ring, the pre-engagement ring, and the pin. These are all little tokens of love designed to reserve a place in a woman's heart until she wins the real prize. Girls are brainwashed at an early age to covet those who have these trinkets, fueling the NEED for the engagement ring. These need to go! Ladies, to a man, the promise ring is a little like a man putting a bookmark in a vagina. Stop gushing over promise rings!

The wedding ring, while certainly powerful, is not as big a deal as the engagement ring. Women don't go around bragging to their friends about their wedding ring. There's no clamoring or screaming to see that ring, unlike the frenzy created by the engagement ring. The engagement ring provides a whole new competition, the naming of the bride's maids, featuring the coveted title of MAID OF HONOR!

Don't think that men don't have trophies of their own. They do. Normally they are of the standard type, won during some sort of athletic event. These are used not only for bragging rights but to annoy the wife whenever her friends come over. She'll shrug, "He INSISTS on having it there, as she walks past a rusting statue of a baseball player, a stuffed deer head, or a trophy fish.

Men start out questing for a cloth letter in school during sports seasons. Later they claim the garters of their prom dates implying the receipt of a prize of a different sort. They will one day repeat this action at their wedding.

Once engaged, men will have bachelor parties in the hopes that they'll get a hot stripper as a prize. After all, they're shiny, and men feel as though they earned them. Married men with their trophy wives try to get the best golf clubs or cook the thickest steaks on the most outstanding grills. Parents make the mini-van shine with glory by displaying bumper stickers about their own living trophies, their kids. Announcing pride for your honor roll student serves well as a trophy. As men age they buy sports cars to recapture their prized youth, and the favor of trophy women who are NOT their wives. Men are no different from women with regard to awards.

Divorce is not without its prizes. Each little divorce victory becomes a big trophy. I got the house. I got the car. I got the kids. He got the dog. I got his golf clubs. There's no question as to who keeps the wedding and engagement rings.

So you see, trophies are everywhere and we are all players on the field, striving to achieve glory. Whether we are standing on a podium receiving gaudy pendants or walking the tiny yipping dogs that once belonged to our wives, we yearn for trophies. If we stick to the realm of physical awards or accommodations you can see the potential for a great and fruitful career. So hop to it, citizens! Start mounting plastic men and women on pedestals. The world needs you!

Maybe my discovery will lead to a better planet and I can get the key to the city. OOH! Perhaps a Nobel Prize awaits. Id like to thank the Academy, my parents, John Lennonwho am I forgetting?

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