ASK REVEREND CHRIS

Dear Reverend Chris,

The other night I called a girl that I've been thinking of asking out, and asked her what she was doing. She said that she was sitting with a crossbow pistol, waiting for a neighborhood dog that had been tearing up her trash to come into her yard so she could shoot him, to "teach him a lesson." Naturally, I was deeply troubled by this, and was trying to decide whether there was something wrong with the girl. Can you help me with this one ?

Sincerely,

Worried in Waxhaw

Dear Worried:

Well, I can see why you're concerned, but I think you may be worrying too much. It's true she's using a weapon of less firepower than you or I might use, but there may be any number of reasonable explanations for why she's doing this. Some examples would be the following:

1) She could be working on her marksmanship

2) She could be trying to avoid powder burns

And we shouldn't overlook the most obvious possibility: She could be someone who was unable to pass that annoying Brady Bill background check, through reasons that are no fault of her own (such as clinical mental illness, or a criminal record.) So as you can see, she may still be a perfectly good choice to date, or even to marry. (At least you wont have to get up on those freezing January mornings to pick up scattered trashbags, will you ?)


IF YOU CAN'T LICK THEM ...

Dear Reverend Chris,

There's a question that's been keeping me awake at night for months, and no one seems to be able to give me an answer. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie-Pop ? And don't say "One lick and then bite it" - I'm tired of hearing that. I want a real answer.

Yours Truly,

Mystified In Myers Park


Dear Mystified:

I guess that depends on how many nineteen-year-old girls you have helping you, and whether they have pierced tongues. Also, it depends on how often you stop to do something else other than lick the Tootsie Pop. And when you stop to do something else, are you using your tongue for that too? As you can see, I'll need to research this thoroughly before giving you an answer. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

P.S.

I don't mean to be too nosy about your personal life, but if you're hearing the phrase "One lick and then bite it," often enough to get tired of it, maybe you're hanging around with the wrong kind of people.

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