Porn Again American

America is a junkie hopelessly looking for the next fix. If continents were residents in a methadone clinic, America would be the one stealing your dose and blaming Africa for it. If there is something we can abuse to excess we will get 'er done. Americans are addicted to oil, pills, booze, TV, HD, football, marriage, showering, cleanliness, the bible, pot, the news, political parties, and porn.

Porn is the latest addiction to hit the sheets. Back in the day, and by this I mean the 1970s, if you wanted to see some porn you had to steal it. There were no videos, internet access, cable shows, digital displays of ta-ta's—and unless your older brother had a stash that was accessible, stealing porn was the only way to feed your early craving. The recipe was simple, wait until Sunday, when the newspaper was so thick that the corner store clerk wouldn't notice if a Playboy was slipped in between the extra folds. Then have your Dad pay for it. Works every time!

Nowadays, you can see porn 24/7. You can watch it on your computer, your TV, in your car and on your phone. And the studies are coming in. Recent news is that porn is addictive in the same way that drugs and booze are addictive. You need to watch porn several times a week for 3-5 years to get addicted. I'm already on my wiener jubilee. The first phase of the addiction is a craving - you just got to see some. This moves quickly to the second phase - escalation. It starts off so innocently. You want to see some breasts. Perhaps, Spiderman has lost his charm. Sponge Bob just doesn't cut it for you any more. You get your first Playboy, and after a while you yearn for something more telling. Then you have to see something a bit more hardcore. Where's the penis, anus and money shot? You switch to Penthouse, then Hustler. Quickly you want to see movies of couples doing it. Amateur, college girls, orgies - the vista opens up like a stretched out uterus. Watching couples isn't getting you your nut - you need to see bi-sexual couples in action. Suddenly, that doesn't work and you want to see bi-sexual couples with sex toys, dildos and butt plugs. Your addiction takes a radical turn and now you need to watch animals having sex. You find yourself empty and look for bi-sexual animals with dildos and butt plugs. Finally, in order to get off you need to see dead people doing it. When is it going to stop, people?



At this point you're hooked and thus comes the last and most depressing of the addictive traits - desensitization. You can no longer get erect without porn. Your real life partner, who doesn't use dildos, butt plugs or animals fails to get your mojo working. And unless she can spin plates with a well-placed stick, you're stuck.

Thank god for Viagra. At the beginning of the 21st Century, there is no cure for asthma, leukaemia nor the common cold. But somehow we have managed to cure limp penis disease. Seems like Dick Cheney has had hand in this. Wouldn't he be a great spokesperson for Viagra? "Viagra makes me harder than shooting my friend in the face."

Misogynist as it sounds - Porn addiction is mainly a manly worry. Guys will do just about anything to get their partner interested in watching porn. We have a number of stories - "This is an educational movie." "I found one that has a real love story in it." "You gotta see this one, baby, Tony Danza is in it!" But they are all excuses for us to get our fix. Like ill-tempered junkies, we become indignant if our partners don't share in our addiction. For the women, Porn often brings up feeling of inadequacy. "Does he really want somebody with gigantic breasts and glow-in-the-dark butt plugs?" What starts off as a friendly fetish ends up being a relationship destroyer.

The most intimate thing a couple can share these days is the same computer. The screen is left open and you say, "Hey darling, I see that you are interested in new herbs for your herb garden." And she says, "Yes, and I saw that you are interested in Amish women who have a penis."

So friends, be careful when you make that first trip to the adult DVD store, it could be that you find yourself crawling the internet, late at night, searching for deadpeoplewhodoit.com, and hating yourself in the morning. I've got to go, I have some educational movies I have to watch before my girlfriend gets home.

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