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SEX MATTERS!

 article about SEX MATTERS!

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


With the cornucopia of personal information available today, sex
matters! Sex matters because it touches every human life on earth. Some
people are touched by sex more than others. The lucky bastards! When
was the last time you had some sex? We all remember that last time.
Well, most of us do! Homo sapiens favorite pastime offers up some of
its cute quirks in little jabs this week:


On this day in history, recorded for posterity in Italian marble, the first ever MUTUAL SEX ACT occurred in 69 BC!

Archeologists FINALLY uncover Chers ORIGINAL breasts!

The newest imported Canadian condoms have been rated A!

Former New Jersey Governor resigns to run for Mayor of San Fransissyco!


Good news to one may be bad news to another. Forget the road map to
peace. Would anyone, I mean anyone, get us men a road map to the 'G SPOT'!
Certain events reveal the battle of the sexes have been running on
mis-information. Where were you when you found out women feel
differently about sex than men?

On any particular day, 50% of all American women are PMS-ing. So, guys, just put the chocolate on the floor, and BACK AWAY slowly!

Estrogen improves a womans memory. Guys, thats why she can remember EVERY STUPID THING you EVER DID!

Its the 43rd birthday of the birth control pill! Its also the 42nd birthday of the daughter of the woman who FIRST FORGOT to take it!

The Asian couple that invented Feng Shui are now getting a divorce. Evidently, SHE NEEDED MORE SPACE!

Jodie Foster had her second baby without naming the father, either time. Boy, I just love a girl with those OLD FASHIONED values!


What can Madison 5th Avenue do with sex that The Kama Sutra cant? We
have all learned the power of sex combined with money, can move
mountains - sometimes away from you, sometimes towards you, often right
on top of you!

Now, get insurance for sexual performance. So, youre in good hands with Allstate!

Developers of the new ORGASM Pill have sold worldwide marketing rights to the owners of MOTEL SIX. Hey, well leave THE LIGHTS ON!

An orgasm a day prevents heart disease - if you dont light up a cigarette right after!

In Bonn, Germany, they have drive-thru brothels! Do you want crabs with that?

Philadelphia police break up a prostitution ring working out of a Lens Crafter Store. Really, you could have been in & out & in and out & in & out in about an hour!

Viagra in your oil will crank more speed, but it makes your TRANNY REAL STIFF!

Viagra, from the pholks at Pfizer: Viagra: thats the quicker-pecker-picker-upper!

69 deaths associated w/the use of Viagra, & damn near A COUPLE EYES PUT OUT!


Which one of us wouldnt scurry to hide our delights if the harsh light
of discovery was suddenly shined on our deepest fantasies? Sex affects
us all personally, so its no wonder that when ones intimate
peccadilloes get blown out of proportions, society is real quick to
judge and tut-tut! What turns you on, tickles your fancy, or just
floats your boat?

If K.D. Lang released an acoustic CD, could we call it: the "UNPLUGGED version?


In New Orleans, an 11-year-old little Dutch boy was injured when he
accidentally stuck his finger in Melissa Etheridge! Now, gee fellas,
you just look at Melissa Etheridge and tell me that youre not thinking
what Im thinking: BOXERS OR BRIEFS?

Hollywoods annual BI-SEXUAL PARADE broke up this year after just fifteen minutes because NOBOBY KNEW WHICH WAY TO GO!

A California prison inmate demands the right to mail his sperm to his wife. Gosh, havent all those POSTAL WORKERS SUFFERED ENOUGH?

The recent movie, Life Without Dick is currently being shown on the Christian Broadcast Network - although it has been re-titled as: The Nuns Story!

Americans have more sexual partners than any other country! WERE NUMBER ONE! WERE NUMBER ONE!

The three things ALL MEN CRAVE in bed are:

A: A happy, cooperative partner.

B: Some decent traction.

C: Control of the television remote.



OK, I admit it, I wear red shoes, because (heres the lie) it makes me
feel sexy. When I was growing up, "sexual matters" used to be whispered
and kept secret. In the new millennia, sex is out front now, kinda
in-your-face. Get used to it! You should always take your sex seriously
- but not yourself! It might take awhile, but we all find out sooner or
later: Its not gravity! Its not inertia! Its sex that really does make
our world go round and round. Sex matters!!



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