It has been well over 2 months since I made my first plea to legendary
cartoonist, Berkeley Breathed. I have chosen Mr. Breathed as the first
celebrity to court via the media for personal gain. The idea is I will
make references to him in my work, write about my admiration of his
talent and strive to receive the ultimate prize; a personalized drawing
of Opus the Penguin or better yet, one of the original strips.
I
will use his acceptance of my work as a sign that I am indeed clicking
on the same ultra-hip levels as he does. I will know that Ive made it
as a writer and I can start targeting increasingly more famous people
for even cooler swag. Im thinking that once Ive gained a fan in
Berkeley Breathed, Ill have the courage and the credibility to go for a
Joe Walsh (a step up), a Bruce Campbell (a lateral move), or a George
Carlin (aiming too high?).
Bruce, You May Be NEXT!
Bruce,
You May Be NEXT!Of course, The Cheers is still a new venture. I dont
believe weve quite hit our stride yet. Im not even sure how many people
are aware of our little chunk of the internet and I envision a day when
The Cheers is as much of a go-to site as The Onion when it comes to
finding fun and hip content. I do know that our audience, and
specifically my audience is indeed growing. Ive received many fine
comments and e-mails about my work from all over the world. As cool and
exciting as that is, I must address something to my readers right now.
The
vast majority of the e-mails Ive received have one thing in common;
they wonder if I ever heard from Berkeley Breathed. Ive received many
inquiries about the status of my little acceptance quest, but no one
has told me anything about what theyve done to aid my cause. Heres how
this thing works.
[BB]
I am well aware of the fact that I can go
to Berkeleys website and e-mail him myself. I could send fan letters to
the office that syndicates "Opus" and hope that he reads his mail.
There are proper channels out there I could follow to realize this
silly dream. However, that is not the point of this experiment. The
whole thing is no fun at all if I do these things. This will ONLY hit
the level of SUPER-COOL if I receive accolades or correspondence from
Berkeley as a result of letters and e-mails sent from YOU.
If my
fans feel so moved to seek out Mr. Breathed and make him aware of my
work, his eventual readership and acceptance makes the endeavor worth
while. The Cheers will be much hipper, I will get my Opus sketch for my
wall, and YOU will know that you are truly as cool and powerful as you
believe you are.
Be on the Lookout
for THIS MAN!
Lookout for THIS MAN!See, I KNOW that most
people like to feel as though they were in to some cultural phenomenon
before anyone else. We all want to be the ones who are responsible for
turning our friends on to some cool TV show, magazine or band. If we
arent the hipsters setting the trends then well never be the ones
complaining when the commoners ruin our special find by enjoying it as
much as we do.
Anyway, the whole thing doesnt work if I go to
Mr. Breathed directly. YOU must get his attention for me. If you are
one of the folks actually reading my writing I can safely assume that
you have just as much time to waste online e-mailing pseudo-celebrities
as I do. There is no valuable time on the internet. There are only
silly distractions from our day. The Hamster Dance, The Dancing Baby,
and any other stupid animated net-dancers proved all that to me years
ago. The buzz created by my writing and your subsequent e-mails and
letters to him are what will make this little experiment work to the
fullest degree. Perhaps I wasnt clear enough in my previous article. I
hope Ive corrected the error now.
I am also aware that most
folks spending time on the internet are likely to be introverted people
that may feel uncomfortable e-mailing celebrities for no real reason.
So I will help you with this assignment. Print this out so you dont
have to remember anything.
First, if you dont already have one,
go to Yahoo or MSN and create some bogus e-mail address to send from.
Valid e-mail addresses are the key! You can create an account for free
and NEVER check the inbox for as long as you live. I dont want anyone
to use their own personal accounts and attract SPAM. Im sure you get
enough enlarge your penis SPAM already. When creating your fake
identity, feel free to use Breathed-friendly terms like
Opus_is_Da_Man@Whereverthehellyoulike.com or
BloomCountyRulez@DolphinSafe.net You get the idea.
[BB]
Second,
after creating as many fake accounts as youd like go to Mr. Breatheds
contact page. This is his online umbilical cord connecting him to his
adoring fans. You will now BE one of his adoring fans and hell know
this when he reads your clever fake e-mail address (SEE ABOVE) and
therefore more likely to get his attention. Im told he actually reads
his e-mail and responds to them upon occasion. You may e-mail him as
often as you like. I think that it is best to send him messages before
your lunch break, but after your secret porn surfing at work.
That's Spelled, M-A-R-T-E-L-L-O
That's
Spelled, M-A-R-T-E-L-L-OThird and final task, write a letter telling
him about this crazy/funny/pick-your-favorite-adjective writer for a
new online magazine and his obsession with all things Berkeley
Breathed. You can tell him about what a huge fan you are or how you
think my work is right up there with his or - OOH! Tell him youd never
heard of him before you read about him in my articles. Thats GOLD! Tell
him you sought out his books and strips based upon my recommendations
alone. Thats got to score some points, dont you think? Ill give you
some starter-e-mails to work with.
Dear Mr. Breathed,
I
am so happy to see Opus is alive and well in my Sunday paper. Ive been
a fan for years and have always missed seeing his innocent face in
print. Id have missed the strip entirely were it not for an article
written by columnist, Andy Martello of thecheers.org. He writes about
you constantly. Anyway, keep up the good work.
Your BIGGEST Fan,
Milo Blumenthaul
DUDE!
Youre stuff is so funny. We fight over who gets to read it first here
at the dorm. Theres, like, this guy whos obsessed with you. He writes
for The Cheers and makes me drop my bong every time he mentions your
name. You should check him out. So, when is Bill the Cat coming back to
the strip? Bill is cool. He does drugs.
Dazed & Confused,
Buzzed Severtsen, Marquette U.
Berkeley-
Your
recent work is not much different from your previous work. Id thank you
to stop pilfering your original ideas from me and come up with your own
stuff. Sure, youre funny. But really, arent you reinventing the wheel?
Oh, by the way, Andy Martello of thecheers.org wants a signed Opus
sketch. Maybe you should send him the original strip from the old days
about the lyrics to Louie Louie. Hes almost as obsessed with you as he
is that stupid song.
Sincerely,
Garry Trudeau
Remember to include links to The Cheers and get my name spelled right!
HURRY! 1000's in Stock!
HURRY!
1000's in Stock!In return I will agree to help you out in some small
ways. If you get your own writing gig and want to push the limits of
your newfound fame by courting a celebrity I will most assuredly get
out my clever pseudonym list and go e-mail crazy on your behalf. If you
are looking for a job and just cant manage to find a reliable friend,
professor, or past employer to write you a glowing letter of
recommendation, I will be your champion. I will write a letter so good
any potential employer will be convinced were the closest of friends
and my company has never been the same since your departure. At the
very least Ill send you an autographed Andy Martello collectors card or
a copy of my book, if I ever get it finished. Hey, we can work
something out, right? Just dont ask me to cosign for a loan, help you
move, or pick you up from the airport. Nothing is worth all that. Im
just asking you to e-mail a guy - Im not asking for blood here.
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