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Poor Lue's Almanack Feb. 2007

 article about Poor Lues Almanack Feb. 2007

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


The first part's true, The last part's Lue!


 


Everybody say: "Hi Lue! "


 


The Universe is 14 billion years old!  And you think your waistline is expanding!


 


Public Notice: To all citizens of Iraq: Uncle Sam has lost his wallet with about twelve trillion dollars inside. Sam's wallet was lost between 2004 and now, somewhere in your country. U.S. citizenship and modest reward is being offered! No questions will be asked.


 


Sooo, Pottery Barn's "You break it, you buy it!" policy doesn't apply if the breaker's lawyer is the U.S. Attorney General!


 


When President Bush announced his new plan to surge more troops to Iraq, he assured America: "This plan will meet with the same success as my previous plan to avoid military service in Vietnam!"


 


BTW, why is it, when Bill Clinton was in The White House, the term "surge" was taken in a completely different context?


 


Taking revenge for all women, The New Female Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi (D) CA has ordered every toilet seat in the entire Capital Building nailed down!


 


Speaker Pelosi also has threatened to Pluto-ize Bush Jr. and have him removed from the list of REAL presidents!


 


Democrat posse in House of Reps pass all of the 911 Commission's recommendations, except for one . . . pinning a tail on Dick Cheney!


 


House Democrats order 10 cases of Lysol disinfectant and twelve gross of rubber gloves, before beginning their ethics reform bill!


 


What the heck is a "non-binding resolution"? You got some splaining to do! Nobody takes a "non-binding resolution" seriously!  Isn't that what you use when you fake bondage during sex? A non-binding resolution?


 


Yesterday, one wise old man at The State Dept. suggested that the Iraqi people should actually vote on whether they want America to pull its troops out. This morning, that wise old man was arrested, and sent to Guantanamo Bay for vigorous interrogation!


 


Mark Foley . . . what a perv!  His septum was the ONLY thing about him that wasn't deviated!  You can text message him at Shorteyes.com


 


Sympathetic Republican lobbyists have been sending Scooter Libby gifts during his perjury and obstruction of justice trial! These goodies include: soap-on-a-rope, thong underwear, and lots of KY Jelly products! __


 


Bill and Hillary Clinton, now there's a pair!  How'd you like to wake up to that every morning? Boy, there's NO prize!  On either side of the bed!


 


The insiders say Hillary will never apologize for voting for the war!  Hell, she won't even apologize for staying married to Billyboy!


 


To put it mildly, like most couples, the Clintons argue frequently! The last brouhaha Hillary and Bill had was: Who wears the pants in this family?


 


There are those who say Hillary Clinton can win only if she starts wearing skirts and dresses!  Then, there are those who say Hillary can never win, even if hubby Bill starts wearing skirts and dresses!


 


Former Vice President Al Gore has been nominated for The Nobel Peace Prize, as well as receiving an Academy Award nomination!  Evidently, all that tree hugging is getting more popular than it used to be!


 


To counter some of Al's recent great publicity, The Bush Administration will make their own movie on global warming named: A Convenient Lie!


 


Maybe, when those horrid suicide bombers finally get to their heaven, all the virgins waiting for them will be that little girl from The Exorcist!


 


If they're too drunk, Toyota's new car won't let the owner drive!  Diebold's new voting machine operates on the same idea: its machine won't let you vote for any democrat whatsoever!


 


The incredibly bad smell in New York City last month was scientifically and easily explained by Mayor Bloomberg recently:  "My investigators have determined that simply: New Jersey cut a big one!"


 


Westminster Dog Show officials deny reports that England's Prince Charles and his new wife, Camilla, will attend and compete, respectively!


 


New York City will actually make and market their own brand of condoms! They'll be called "The Big Apple!"  Hey, I got your "Big Apple" right here!


 


In NYC, it was so cold this week, at The View, you couldn't tell most of the co-hosts were still having hot flashes!  Really, you almost couldn't tell!


 


Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell have signed to fight to the death, in a steel cage match, scheduled for Baghdad's Green Zone in May!


 


China has 300 million single men!  Boy, that's gonna take a lot of Hai Karate cologne! ("xie xie")


 


In Norway, a 67-year-old woman has twins!  Wow, despite being 80 years old, that Hugh Hefner guy from Playboy still really gets around!


 


Lindsay Lohan had her appendix, and driver's license removed!


 


Brittany Spears and that Federline boob didn't really get a divorce!  K-Fed now says: "It's just a phased withdrawal!"


 


Marilyn Manson & wifey are getting a divorce!  I wonder which made her crazier: Was it the boatload of casual gay sex, or the fact that he had a big "L" on his forehead?


 


New study says: Women are attracted to a chemical in a man's sweat! Not only does this apply to cheerleaders and the captain of the football team, it's probably why your wife waits so long to change the sheets! __


 


  


Here's a bonus: A new short story for reading so much of my Almanack!


 


A Drink with the Candidates!



 


So . . . an icy blonde, a Hispanic, an elf from Cleveland, and a guy named Barak walk into a bar.  Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huckabuck, and one angry Vietnam vet.


 


All are quite wary, as this is the first time they've been in the same room. Slowly, all notice: hanging behind the bar is a huge oil painting of Jeb Bush. It has a moustache and eyeglasses drawn on the face. Everybody smiles!


 


The bartender says "What'll it be?" The angry Vietnam vet says: "Quick, bring us six ethanol daiquiris!" Then, everybody breaks up, and laughs!


 


They grew quiet, and notice a man in a black suit stroll to the door and depart the premises. New guy Barak asks the Huckabuck who that was. As a group, including the bartender, they answer: "The man from Diebold!" They stand respectful and quietly. A visible sigh of relief escapes them.


 


The bartender serves everybody the same thing: Coca-Cola, with a small shot of Pepto Bismol as a back up!  No one touches their drink, until the icy blonde raises her glass and says: "Thank God, Schwarzenegger can't run for president!" Various "amens" and "hallelujahs" come from everybody. 


 


Spontaneously, the Huckabuck raises his glass and proposes a toast: "To all the informed voters!" The balding New Yorker says: "What have they got to do with it?"  Once again, everybody breaks up, and laughs.


 


The Cleveland elf asks no one in particular: "Did John Kerry ever get that flip-flop thing off his back?" All shake their head NO, and take notice that everybody is in unison . . . then, all laugh again!


 


When the bartender says the tab is $85, the Mormon says: "Is that in soft money or hard?" Now, everybody is bent over laughing.


 


Working to get in the spirit of things, the angry Vietnam vet says: "I'm very optimistic, especially since I'll probably carry most of the cemetery vote from Chicago!" Soon, everybody is giddy, and they begin giggling too!


 


The icy blonde, trying too hard to be one of the guys yells: "Screw Al Gore!" The rest receive this hesitantly, but can't contain themselves, and one by one, bust up laughing.  The icy blonde says: "Hey, that was a joke!"


 


Next, Barak says: "Has anyone seen that Joe Biden? He's sooo clean!" All are now starting to fall down from laughing so hard!


 


The phone on the bar rings, all get quiet.  The bartender answers, listens, then holds the phone to his chest and yells loudly: "Anybody from the online magazine, TheCheers.org here?" The icy blonde motions all to hush. "Shhh!"


 


Unnoticed at a back corner table until now, a silver haired guy in red shoes, slowly rises, then limps to take the phone, and turns away for some privacy.


 


Now subdued, each attempts to straighten themselves. The angry Vietnam vet is first to leave. He salutes and says: "See ya in New Hampshire!"  All respond: "Yeah, yeah..." And everybody leaves the bar.


 


(Fade to black)


 


Cast:


 


Icy Blonde:..................…...Senator Hillary Clinton


Hispanic:.....................…...Governor Bill Richardson


New Guy:...................…....Senator Barak Obama


Cleveland Elf:....................Congressman Dennis Kucinich


 


Balding New Yorker:..........Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani


The Mormon:...........….......Ex- Governor Mitt Romney


Huckabuck:...............…......Ex-Governor Mike Huckabee


Angry Vietnam vet:......…...Senator John McCain


 


Bartender:....................…...Jimmy Heck


Man from Diebold:......….....Unknown


Silver-haired guy:........….....The Comic in Red Shoes


 


Shot on location in Palms, CA


No red shoes were harmed in the completion of this film.


 


 



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