Thank you for reading thecheers.org's Humorous articles.

Attack and Jail ALL Ventriloquists!

 article about Professional Ventriloquist figures
2006-08-04 02:37:35

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


(A recently de-classified document)




An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us!
You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently
undermining our way of life.







To help identify and target this deluded enemy, we will investigate
methods of operation, and roaming grounds. NSA reports reveal The CIA has
inserted a Judas agent.






Our mission is to protect the U.S. public by eliminating basic
freedoms, and then, on direct orders from The Vice President, in the dawn of
the morning, (that's when these bums sleep)
burst in on them using a well armed force, and then we will Attack
and Jail ALL
ventriloquists!






Methods of Operation:







In public, subjects often use Weapons of Mouth
Distraction. Watch for any annoyed crowds. Subjects may talk out of both sides
of their mouth, or neither. Subjects could have one or more hands out of sight. Be on alert and suspicious if any objects or wooden persons speak to you. Subjects may
whine, and or beg to phone their agents.
Do not comply! Subjects are always assumed to be armed and dangerous!






Roaming grounds:




Subjects can usually be located by surveying the seamier
clubs in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Many have infiltrated lesser-known
comedy circuits. Subjects typically
frequent variety and revue shows. Two breeder colonies are known to exist in Louisville, KY and North Hollywood, CA. Multiple and simultaneous strikes are
recommended, if enough of our assets can be managed and applied precisely. See
the Restraint-Transport Requirements: Appendix F.






Battle Plan synopsis:




Typical search and destroy tactics. Catch, then
decapitate the dummy. Cut the head off dummy, the nutcase withers! It's time to confront the sociopaths we
failed to defeat in the late 1930's.
Refer to: Containment Procedure List B. Expected casualties: Less than
85 individuals.






Rules of Engagement:






The Justice Department has approved the use of force.
Engage on sight or suspicion. There are
no rules or restrictions on our forces. The Geneva Convention does not apply to this action. Subjects to be nullified ASAP.






Psych OP profile:




You won't believe where the targets have been putting
their hands! It's so icky! These sickos can't stand themselves, so they get
some dummy to be their patsy. They need to be incarcerated immediately.






Detention:




As funding for detention in Guantanemo
Bay is rumored to be in question,
alternate locations include: San Francisco, Utah, Newark, Alcatraz,
Andersonville, or we can always render the whole lot of them to France,
permanently!






Rehabilitation:




None is anticipated, as our operation is a final
solution for the continents, north and south, contiguous.






Budget Projection:




Options are presented on a pro-rated cost effective
basis. Ballpark guesses range from $10 to 17.8 million depending on weather, publicity,
and tranquilizer availability. GEO has access to black accounts with no
ceiling, and will disburse on demand.






Summating: This operation is available to clean the scourges ventriloquists
are perpetuating on our churches, children, and chattel. It's in your hands to trigger V-Day. We stand
ready.












Submitted this day: August 9,2006

National Psychiatric Commission

Task Force Hollywood

Commander Max T. Katt








PS: May we expand
the subjects to include kareoke and jugglers?





Author's
note: I filed a Freedom of Bizarre Information lawsuit, and this is what
they sent back to me. It's a strange world we live in, where nobody
is safe. If you can't hate those ventriloquists, who can you hate?













have your say


more in Cheers
The Sounds of Freedom

There's one sound that represents freedom in America more than anything else to me...

An Abel and Cain Re-Run.

I Stand With Israel! (although, I'm sure they won't even notice.) I suppose the rest of the world may think I'm just one stupid American, but I'd like to take the chance to make my case f...

An Open Letter to North Korea

As a peace loving American, I want to warn all the North Koreans: Hey, our nutty leader is even more Froggy than your nutty leader! So, everybody over there, watch out! (Froggy is U.S. slang for u...

Apotheosis of George Bush Jr. (Karl Rove's doing what?)

The Grand Old Party and rabid Rush Limbaugh fans still have a surprise up their sleeves. Unlike their ill-fated attempts to get Ronnie Reagan on Mount Rushmore, this secret mission amounts to a unexpected foray into a previously unexplored area: ART!

Why SO FEW Americans Vote!

Everyday, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many Americans, possibly the most privileged citizens in this world, donít vote! Herein lies one red shoed explanation.

thecheers.org

Welcome to TheCheers! We've been around for a long time now, since 2004, publishing articles by people from all over the world. Roughly 300 people from 30 different countries have written for us over the years. Should you want to become a volunteer contributor, be sure to contact us!

Educational resources
Entertainment Blogs
get in touch

You can contact us via The Cheers Facebook page or The Cheers NEW Twitter account.