While writing
I'd Like to ThankNobody for this weeks edition I
began thinking about the awards I'd received over the years. I still
have my Outstanding Senior Choir Member trophy from 1988. Buried in my
closet sits a medal from my Cub Scout days. Im sure I have every prize
ever bestowed upon me. It made me think about a GREAT career choice out
there, a job where you know your work makes a difference -
TROPHY MAKER!
That's
right. Trophy maker. There has to be a job like that. Trophies don't
just magically appear from the sky. SOMEBODY has to make them. If you
want a job where youll know beyond any shadow of a doubt that your
efforts will be appreciated, THIS is the job for you. Your hard work
will be proudly displayed for the world to see. The fruit of your labor
will be the want and desire of all mankind.
Everyone wants to get a trophy. Trophies are everywhere and we WANT them.
Sittin'
Pretty and Shining Away! High schools build huge cases to display their
trophies. Olympic competitions are held and awards gold, silver and
bronze medals. There was a
'Brady Bunch' episode dedicated to
the quest for a trophy. Who can forget young Bobby's teary-eyed
determination as he said, "I've just GOTTA get a trophy. I've just
gotta!?
Nearly every profession in the known universe honors
their own with the presentation of a trophy of one kind or another.
Writers receive Pulitzer Prizes. Teachers win Golden Apple Awards.
Heroes and villains alike can win Time Magazines Man of the Year Award.
The
completion of every sports season ends with a trophy presentation.
Tennis players kiss theirs. Hockey players hoist the Stanley Cup high
above their heads. Pro golfers get a trophy AND a snazzy green jacket.
I wonder if the folks at Century 21 have a ceremony where they give out
their golden coats?
Broadway has the Tonys. Hollywood has the
Oscars. Television has the Emmys. Even the adult film industry hands
out statues at the Adult Video News Awards. I think those are called
the Hornys. I hear there's stiff competition for those. Thank YOU! Tip
your wait staff.
If national trophies are not within your reach,
there's a bevy of regional and local trophies being offered. Employees
of the Month are commemorated on a plaque. Cub Scouts earn merit
badges. There's not a league bowler on the planet that doesn't want at
least one of those golden bowlers standing high atop a fake marble slab.
[BB]
PEOPLE WANT TROPHIES.
It's just how we are. Trophies are a big part of our lives. We like to
get them and there is no lack of trophy-worthy events out there so, as
a trophy maker you have job security and worldwide appreciation. You
may have a recession-proof profession.
They'll give away a
trophy for just about anything. You can buy gag trophies that say "Old
Fart" or "Over the Hill". Even these insulting and degrading awards
will stay on peoples desks with great pride. Hell, Bobby Brady received
a trophy and he didn't win crap! He received an award for FAILING at
everything. There's probably a trophy for the trophy makers. I am sure
the guy who came up with the golfer in mid-swing builds a steady client
base using the simple phrase, "Golf swing? That was mine."
You
probably dont have to be a good trophy maker to be successful. I've
seen a lot of trophies that had slight imperfections on them and not a
one was ever seen in a trash can. People will display their little
token of recognition forever. The ugly or embarrassing ones will not be
discarded. They just move to the attic or garage. You simply don't
throw out a trophy and you dont give it away to anyone else when you
worked so hard to earn it.
I Still Have the McHenry Co. Talent
Contest RibbonThere are medals, both on ribbons and with a pin backing.
There are certificates, patches and hats to commemorate great feats.
You can receive citations, accommodations, and honorariums from your
Mayor, your boss - anyone. Lets examine non-traditional trophies.
Ever
see a big pink car driving down the street? Odds are, that car is the
award given to a great Mary Kay Cosmetics salesperson. Hate your job
yet? Wish you hadn't stayed there for the last 15 years? Well tough it
out for another 5 pal, because if you do you'll get a gold watch for
your efforts.
Competition is everywhere, not just in organized
arenas and stadiums. In high school, members of the band compete for
the prestige of being "first chair". Future thespians want the lead
role in the play. Young girls compete to become cheerleaders, the
awards coming in the forms of pompons, pleated skirts & popularity.
Some women offer their feminine wiles as a prize if their
husband remembers to put the toilet seat down or do the dishes. Of
course no relationship trophy can compare to the
Granddaddy of 'em All, the engagement ring.
You
may feel that this is no trophy but it does fit certain criteria. It's
metal & shiny, it is worn proudly and displayed for everyone to
see. Women feel they worked hard to get it and they EARNED it. Women
believe they had to compete with many others to get the ring of gold.
If the engagement ends, they dont give it back, J-Lo not withstanding.
[BB]
The
engagement ring is deeply seated in tradition. Strengthening the power
behind the engagement ring is the promise ring, the pre-engagement
ring, and the pin. These are all little tokens of love designed to
reserve a place in a woman's heart until she wins the real prize. Girls
are brainwashed at an early age to covet those who have these trinkets,
fueling the NEED for the engagement ring. These need to go! Ladies, to
a man, the promise ring is a little like a man putting a bookmark in a
vagina. Stop gushing over promise rings!
The wedding ring, while
certainly powerful, is not as big a deal as the engagement ring. Women
don't go around bragging to their friends about their wedding ring.
There's no clamoring or screaming to see that ring, unlike the frenzy
created by the engagement ring. The engagement ring provides a whole
new competition, the naming of the bride's maids, featuring the coveted
title of MAID OF HONOR!
Don't think that men don't have
trophies of their own. They do. Normally they are of the standard type,
won during some sort of athletic event. These are used not only for
bragging rights but to annoy the wife whenever her friends come over.
She'll shrug, "He INSISTS on having it there, as she walks past a
rusting statue of a baseball player, a stuffed deer head, or a trophy
fish.
Men start out questing for a cloth letter in school
during sports seasons. Later they claim the garters of their prom dates
implying the receipt of a prize of a different sort. They will one day
repeat this action at their wedding.
Once engaged, men will
have bachelor parties in the hopes that they'll get a hot stripper as a
prize. After all, they're shiny, and men feel as though they earned
them. Married men with their trophy wives try to get the best golf
clubs or cook the thickest steaks on the most outstanding grills.
Parents make the mini-van shine with glory by displaying bumper
stickers about their own living trophies, their kids. Announcing pride
for your honor roll student serves well as a trophy. As men age they
buy sports cars to recapture their prized youth, and the favor of
trophy women who are NOT their wives. Men are no different from women
with regard to awards.
Divorce is not without its prizes. Each
little divorce victory becomes a big trophy. I got the house. I got the
car. I got the kids. He got the dog. I got his golf clubs. There's no
question as to who keeps the wedding and engagement rings.
So
you see, trophies are everywhere and we are all players on the field,
striving to achieve glory. Whether we are standing on a podium
receiving gaudy pendants or walking the tiny yipping dogs that once
belonged to our wives, we yearn for trophies. If we stick to the realm
of physical awards or accommodations you can see the potential for a
great and fruitful career. So hop to it, citizens! Start mounting
plastic men and women on pedestals. The world needs you!
Maybe
my discovery will lead to a better planet and I can get the key to the
city. OOH! Perhaps a Nobel Prize awaits. Id like to thank the Academy,
my parents, John Lennonwho am I forgetting?
Tags:
comedy comedian awards trophy oscars honor 
