Life like we see it

When you're just a young child you often think what you might be like once you're a grown-up. In first stages you are usually imaging becoming a fireman, astronaut,  policeman,  or even the guy that carries shit. You don't think about a career or money. I would call it a really outstanding state of mind which we should try to keep as much as possible. When you're a bit older, you start to watch TV and understand the characters playing in the movies in your own way. You see a guy who's macho and he looks cool. You decide that this is exactly how you want to be in the future:  a macho man, deep dark inside, drinking whiskey in the corner and smoking a long Havana cigar.

At some point you realize you're becoming the man you once wanted to be, but now you understand life better, at least you think so, and can't understand what's good in the macho person. He has friends, but he keeps too much by himself. You are keeping things inside you. You're macho, even if you manage to leave a different impression with other people. Maybe you're not macho, but you still keep everything inside you, nothing gets through. You can't release your feelings to let other people know how you feel:  to let them know you hate them or are so tired of them that you want to hit them hard. Most importantly, you don't have the ability to express your feelings. You don't know how to express love, how to feel, or how to say things. Everything you say sounds ... weird to you.

Life goes on and nothing changes except the ideals. Now you look at your best friends, and you know what you want to become. You want to be like them:  open and brave.  You hate the shyness around you, you start hating the shyness inside you, and you start hating yourself. You want to talk to people, and you want people to talk to you. Somehow you manage it, but still you notice that you really need to exert yourself to do that and even then, you are open, but not about your true feelings. You'd rather talk jokes and never go much deeper because you're afraid of getting hurt.

You have no experiences showing other people your emotions and it seems kinda taboo to you. You know it isn't, but you can't understand why you feel that way. The more time goes by, the worse it gets. You feel like a loser. You are a loser. You don't know how to change, and you don't know how you should be, you really don't, but you'd like to know. You have had so many ideals in your life and you've tried out basically all of the characters yourself as well, but whatever you try, you still feel out of place. You need to put lots of effort into being something you aren't.

Finally you decide to be yourself, only better. You are the one who has the courage and will to do things:  to communicate, be active, and to be yourself rather than pretending you're someone who you're not. Still, you're unable to express your feelings, you don't really know how to do that. You're looking into it, but nothing. Too long a life with too little action.

When you were a child, but not too young, you read a book which said it is possible for one to be a genius in business and a total failure in your private life. You think back to the time when you read it. You are now feeling exactly like the guy you read about except for the genius part. You don't like it. It makes you sad. You'd like to talk to someone about it, but it just sounds like something you really can't discuss with people.

You don't really know what to do, except go out every once in a while and improve yourself. Everyone is making fun of people who are waiting for their prince on a white horse, but everyone is doing it in some way, aren't they? They are hoping for some third party to interrupt their life and turn them in the right direction. You hope the same, but as you might expect, this never happens. Again you're turning into something else, someone else, into a person who tries to hide his true face as he thinks his true face is definitely not good enough, and would make things only worse. How can one just go to people he has known for years and say something like I love you or just simple May I kiss you? Results might be unthinkable even if there's also a chance for success, a true chance to WIN. But what if you lose?

It doesn't matter, you can lose, or you can win. What are you afraid of the most, winning, losing, or making yourself look stupid?  Who cares?  If you win, you're happy one way or another, am I not right? If you lose, you're still happier than if you didn't try at all, in that case, you would still have to think but what if?

Start your life already today, start living. There's only one way to live a happy life. What is it? You just need to live and you can't live always thinking what if? Go make yourself stupid, go lose some friends. Who cares?  At least try to make yourself happy. At least try to live and do your best to win. Forget the white horses, and don't count on faith and God. They never help. Believe in yourself. Feel that you are the one who can make things happen. To become a master in business is extremely easy. To become master in life is difficult, it really is, but it won't get any easier. Start living now. It's your life you're wasting, and you only have one life. Even your cat has one life. Don't count on illusions. Start living now! Go out there and make yourself stupid. 

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